Basically John and I were working things out, and I was supposed to go back to UT on Saturday (practically 3 days away)...but it looks like that wont happen. I got all of my hopes up thinking that maybe just maybe this time things would work out...but no...that is not the case and with him it never will be...
When I told him my opinion on compromising things...that was a "mistake" he blew up in my face and as usual he said that there was no compromising anymore and that we had to do things either his way or its the highway...but that is definitely NOT how a marriage works EVER.
So basically I am stuck in California until further notice...I should have seen this coming, seriously...this is typical John...says he will do one thing and then twists his words to his liking a few days to a month later to make him in control of the situation...and then his story changes...I feel like this is ALL MY FAULT! I could have prevented getting married soooooo many times...and now I am stuck in a marriage that my own "husband" doesn't well didn't even want in the first place...
This has gotten soooo bad that I finally cracked and asked for a blessing...Which I should remind you IS NOT LIKE ME! At all! I NEVER ask for them even when I know it would help sooo sooo much....I guess I am just stubborn and have a stupid pride issue where I have a hard time asking for things I either need or think would be good for me (I guess thats one way to put it)
But I dont know I guess its just so hard to be in an unhappy marriage that neither of you really wanted (thats how I see it as...because I was happily dating another guy when John swooned me over -both when I was dating around and when I was recently broken up with him-John)...and then to see all of your friends (or acquaintances) that you have met/made along the years are all happily married. I mean I have tried sooo hard to get away from him and now I am stuck with him until further notice...And on top of that I am sure I have lost at least 5 lbs since I arrived here in CA..I just wish that for once in my life a guy would give a fuck about me and actually treat me with respect- that I rightfully deserve...but apparently everyone else in this world seems to believe otherwise...that 1. I don't deserve to be happy, and 2. that I don't deserve to be treated with any respect because I am apparently a cold hearted bitch....Basically right now I would give anything to have either a happy marriage or to be killed instantly in a car accident...or even drown..because seriously my life sucks ass right now. I have no job, no money,no car, and my dog is being held captive by my soon to be ex husband who keeps her locked up for hours on end...I miss her like crazy...I havent had her in my possession since maybe february of this year...I only had her for maybe like 3 months before he whisked her away...
I seriously cannot take this pain anymore, its seriously killing me and I dont feel welcome at church so I dont ever go anymore...which isnt good but still I just wish John would get his head out of his ass and realize that what he is doing is NOT OK! I mean maybe if we lived in like the 20's then maybe it would be ok but still anyway I think I am gonna go cry myself to sleep now...and maybe I will sleep better tonight (at least my migraine left- for now anyway)
Maybe things will change within the next 2-3 days BUT I highly doubt it...But I will gladly keep you posted.
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